Happy St Patties!!:)
Mar 17, 2021 6:40:18 GMT -6
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Post by kcatthedog on Mar 17, 2021 6:40:18 GMT -6
Subject: Today's Laugh In Honor of St. Patrick's Day
The Bank Robber
O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery. After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.' 'That's grand,' shouted O’Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'
Visiting The Doctor
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
Digging A Hole
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
The Grieving Widow
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O'Grady after mass.
He says: "So what's bothering you?"
She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"
"Certainly father," she replied. "He said: "Please Mary, put down the gun."
********
'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran, 'but it keeps fallin' off.
*******************************
Sean and his wife Colleen were both keen golfers. Colleen was feeling neglected and wanted to know how much he loved her. "If I die tomorrow", she said, "and you remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?" "What an awful thing to ask" exclaimed Sean. "But no, of course not" "And would you give her any of my clothes?" "No, honey, of course not" "What about my golf clubs?" "No, she's left handed."
********************************
It was the final day of the Irish Open Golf Tournament and, sure enough, Paddy and Mick had tied for the lead through 72 holes of play. So off they went for a sudden death playoff starting on the 18th tee. Wouldn't you know, they both hit mighty drives straight down the middle about 304 yards each. In fact, when they reached their balls, they were side-by-side with no more than 9 inches separating the two. Paddy turned to Mick and said, "I'm playing a Titleist 3, what ball are you playing?"
"I'm playing a Titleist 3 as well, how did you mark your ball to identify it?" Mick responded.
"I didn't mark my ball." said Paddy. "I didn't have time at the 18th tee! What about yourself? Did you mark yours?"
"Didn't think I'd have to." Mick answered.
So, first was the shouting match about why the other didn't mark their ball. Finally they decided that it didn't really matter which ball belonged to whom, since they were the same brand and laid less than a foot apart. But then they got to arguing about who should get to shoot first. When they calmed down, there was nothing to do but call for a tournament official to come and straighten things out.
"What seems to be the problem here, lads?" asked the official. Again there was shouting and arguing while they explained to the official that they were both playing a Titleist and both balls had a number "3" stamped on it, but neither ball had been marked by the player to distinguish it.
"I see." said the official. "Both balls are Titleist and both are marked with the number 3."
"Right, then," he continued, "Which one of ye lads is playing the YELLOW Titlest 3 and which of ye is playing the WHITE Titlest 3?"
********
Maureen is an avid golfer. After a commotion the Garda is called to her Dublin home. They find her standing over the body of a lifeless man and holding a bloody 5 iron. The detective asks her, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” Maureen replies, “Yes.” “Did you hit him with that golf club?” “Yes, yes, I did.” Maureen begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on face. “How many times did you hit him?” “I don’t know, six, seven, maybe eight times. Just put me down for a five.”
The Bank Robber
O'Gara was arrested and sent for trial for armed bank robbery. After due deliberation, the jury foreman stood up and announced, 'Not guilty.' 'That's grand,' shouted O’Gara, 'Does that mean I get to keep the money?'
Visiting The Doctor
Dr O'Mahony tells his patient: "I have bad news and worse news, John."
"Oh dear," John replies. "What's the bad news?" asks the patient.
The doctor replies: "You only have 24 hours to live."
"That's terrible," says the patient. "How can the news possibly be worse?"
Dr O'Mahony replies: "I've been trying to contact you since yesterday."
Digging A Hole
Two Irishmen were working in the public works department. One would dig a hole and the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in.
After a while, one amazed onlooker said: "Why do you dig a hole, only to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?"
The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, "Well, I suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally a three-person team. But today the lad who plants the trees called in sick."
The Grieving Widow
A sobbing Ms Murphy approaches Fr O'Grady after mass.
He says: "So what's bothering you?"
She replies: "Oh, Father, I've terrible news. My husband passed away last night."
The priest says: "Oh, Mary, that's terrible. Did he have any last requests?"
"Certainly father," she replied. "He said: "Please Mary, put down the gun."
********
'O'Halloran,' asked the pharmacist, 'did that mudpack I gave you improve your wife's appearance?'
'It did surely,' replied O'Halloran, 'but it keeps fallin' off.
*******************************
Sean and his wife Colleen were both keen golfers. Colleen was feeling neglected and wanted to know how much he loved her. "If I die tomorrow", she said, "and you remarried, would you give your new wife my jewelry?" "What an awful thing to ask" exclaimed Sean. "But no, of course not" "And would you give her any of my clothes?" "No, honey, of course not" "What about my golf clubs?" "No, she's left handed."
********************************
It was the final day of the Irish Open Golf Tournament and, sure enough, Paddy and Mick had tied for the lead through 72 holes of play. So off they went for a sudden death playoff starting on the 18th tee. Wouldn't you know, they both hit mighty drives straight down the middle about 304 yards each. In fact, when they reached their balls, they were side-by-side with no more than 9 inches separating the two. Paddy turned to Mick and said, "I'm playing a Titleist 3, what ball are you playing?"
"I'm playing a Titleist 3 as well, how did you mark your ball to identify it?" Mick responded.
"I didn't mark my ball." said Paddy. "I didn't have time at the 18th tee! What about yourself? Did you mark yours?"
"Didn't think I'd have to." Mick answered.
So, first was the shouting match about why the other didn't mark their ball. Finally they decided that it didn't really matter which ball belonged to whom, since they were the same brand and laid less than a foot apart. But then they got to arguing about who should get to shoot first. When they calmed down, there was nothing to do but call for a tournament official to come and straighten things out.
"What seems to be the problem here, lads?" asked the official. Again there was shouting and arguing while they explained to the official that they were both playing a Titleist and both balls had a number "3" stamped on it, but neither ball had been marked by the player to distinguish it.
"I see." said the official. "Both balls are Titleist and both are marked with the number 3."
"Right, then," he continued, "Which one of ye lads is playing the YELLOW Titlest 3 and which of ye is playing the WHITE Titlest 3?"
********
Maureen is an avid golfer. After a commotion the Garda is called to her Dublin home. They find her standing over the body of a lifeless man and holding a bloody 5 iron. The detective asks her, “Ma’am, is that your husband?” Maureen replies, “Yes.” “Did you hit him with that golf club?” “Yes, yes, I did.” Maureen begins to sob, drops the club, and puts her hands on face. “How many times did you hit him?” “I don’t know, six, seven, maybe eight times. Just put me down for a five.”
